Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Police Brutality
The police have expressed some annoyance at the Minister of Domestic Abuses for treating them like mere public sector workers. Although Agent Smith was spared the treatment given to Patsy Hackitt, the Nurses' Friend, a couple of years ago, but still had to sit with her New New Labour grin of interpersonal manageriality fraying like a psoriatic turkey's neck while the chair of the Police Federation taunted her about her drug-ridden past. "Your recent crimes have been more for the serious fraud office than the drug squad," Jan Berry wisecracked heartlessly, deliberately calling attention to Agent Smith's non-Saudi ancestry. More pertinently, Agent Smith was asked: "How was it that the Government found £2.7bn to dig itself out of a tax hole in advance of a by-election but couldn't find £30m to honour our pay deal?" The answer, apparently, was that Agent Smith took the decision to impose a pay cut on the police "only after a lot of thought - after considering the full facts of the case, the need to keep mortgages and the cost of living under control". Obviously, provided the cost of living is kept under control, the problems people have in meeting it are hardly worth bothering about. Another crucial factor was the need "to ensure that you continued to have your colleagues working alongside you", it being easier to pay a mortgage when there are lots of people around you who can't pay theirs either.
In compensation, Agent Smith promised new toys (handheld computers and electric stun guns) and said that the Government "would scrap stop and account forms, reduce data it collected by a third, and simplify custody, bail and premises entry procedures". She did not promise a bank holiday commemorating the forces of law and order, but doubtless it's only a matter of time.
In compensation, Agent Smith promised new toys (handheld computers and electric stun guns) and said that the Government "would scrap stop and account forms, reduce data it collected by a third, and simplify custody, bail and premises entry procedures". She did not promise a bank holiday commemorating the forces of law and order, but doubtless it's only a matter of time.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Ron Is Not Mocked
A fifteen-year-old may be prosecuted for displaying words on a placard during a peaceful demonstration. The words were "Scientology is not a religion, it is a dangerous cult"; admittedly, this begs the question of the Hubbard cult's essential difference from the Jesus cult, the Virgin cult, the Curia cult, the Muhammad cult and various others, but it hardly seems good reason for prosecuting somebody. However, section five of the Public Order Act prohibits "representations or words which are threatening, abusive or insulting" and the City of London police, who carried out the public order protectivity in the case, have rather good reasons for coming down hard on those who offend the Scientologists' itsy-bitsy feelings.
Monday, May 19, 2008
A Richer Dust Congealed
A report by Quentin Davies, who defected from Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives because they weren't right-wing enough and who might now be forgiven for emulating Winston Churchill's famous attachment to party loyalty and crawling back home again, recommends the "creation of a new public holiday in June" to celebrate war, and the implementation of a new law to make it a criminal offence to discriminate against peaceful, defenceless people in military uniform. Well, really. If this kind of thing goes on we won't be able to discriminate against anyone at all, apart from Muslims, gypsies, asylum seekers, welfare benefit claimants, single mothers and people with no children - and where's the fun in that? They're all armed to the teeth.
The head of the army, General Sir Richard Dannatt, has blamed "a lack of public appreciation" for sapping the will of the troops. They don't mind the heat, the terrain, or the bombs and bullets of the insurgents or our friendly-firing ally; but they crumple before a lack of appreciation. Hence, the Minister for Supporting Our Boys, Bob Ainsworth, said that the report would "ensure that the work of our armed forces is better understood and recognised by the nation they serve", presumably because having a bank holiday named after one's profession is a lot more fun than having proper equipment, reasonable housing or sufficient pay to feed oneself while being shot at.
The report also recommends that the armed forces be permitted to turn state schools into recruiting stations and give guns and authority to those bullies who can shout loudest. This will certainly help. If there's one thing the armed forces need, it's a few more recruits who joined up to see the world, and realised just too late that they might be required to blow some of it up. It is not clear whether pupils at faith schools, let alone Muslim faith schools, will be compelled to join this particular band of brothers.
The head of the army, General Sir Richard Dannatt, has blamed "a lack of public appreciation" for sapping the will of the troops. They don't mind the heat, the terrain, or the bombs and bullets of the insurgents or our friendly-firing ally; but they crumple before a lack of appreciation. Hence, the Minister for Supporting Our Boys, Bob Ainsworth, said that the report would "ensure that the work of our armed forces is better understood and recognised by the nation they serve", presumably because having a bank holiday named after one's profession is a lot more fun than having proper equipment, reasonable housing or sufficient pay to feed oneself while being shot at.
The report also recommends that the armed forces be permitted to turn state schools into recruiting stations and give guns and authority to those bullies who can shout loudest. This will certainly help. If there's one thing the armed forces need, it's a few more recruits who joined up to see the world, and realised just too late that they might be required to blow some of it up. It is not clear whether pupils at faith schools, let alone Muslim faith schools, will be compelled to join this particular band of brothers.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Optimism of the Pocketbook
The vice-president of the intergovernmental panel on climate change has predicted "a situation where the rich live in enclaves, protected, and the poor live outside in unsustainable conditions", unless governments act to curb greenhouse emissions. He also noted that "developing countries are the most vulnerable to climate change and the poorest people will be the hardest hit"; for example, Bangladesh could lose seventeen per cent of its territory, much of it highly populated, to the sea. Fortunately, "in some countries you do find that rich people live in those kind of protected environments"; in other words, the means are already in place whereby the rich can be protected.
It is possible that the vice-president of the intergovernmental panel on climate change thought that these tidings would encourage governments to take rapid and decisive action to curb greenhouse emissions; particularly as he believes that "the consequences of failure are unimaginable" and the profits no doubt incalculable.
It is possible that the vice-president of the intergovernmental panel on climate change thought that these tidings would encourage governments to take rapid and decisive action to curb greenhouse emissions; particularly as he believes that "the consequences of failure are unimaginable" and the profits no doubt incalculable.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Helping Them to Help Us Help Ourselves
It has emerged that New New Labour goes about the business of keeping the planet habitable in much the same way as it goes about the businesses of health, education, locking people up and snooping: the effect on human beings matters rather less than the money to be made. The Glorious Successor announced the "environmental transformation fund" six months ago, and apparently was "widely expected", by those who have not been living in Britain for the past ten years, to make "direct grants to countries experiencing extreme droughts, storms and sea level rise associated with climate change". Given that the effects of climate change are at least partly the responsibility of the sort of people who expand airports in the name of private profit, go to war for oil, encourage private car use while neglecting public transport, and so forth, it seemed only fair; which only adds to the mystery of why anyone should have expected New New Labour to do anything of the kind. Instead of direct grants, Britain will give "concessional loans", which countries like Bangladesh will have to repay with interest. According to a policy adviser with ActionAid, this means that "developing countries will have to pay twice, once for the emissions that caused the problems and then again to clean up the mess". This of course reflects New New Labour policy in other areas, whereby parents have to pay twice, once in moving to an area with a good school and then again to bribe the religious commissars that run it; or where taxpayers have to pay twice, once for the Government to pay contractors for public utilities and then again in inflated charges for an inefficient service; or where Iraqis have to pay twice, once in having their friends and relatives killed and once in having their country requisitioned for the benefit of Halliburton. Whatever Gordon's faults may be, possession of a reverse gear is evidently not one of them.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Proof of Britishness
And here's yet another blessing that ID cards will bring: when the system breaks down, poorer people will suffer more. All systems are prone to error, and British systems run by private companies are not so much prone to it as built on it; fortunately, the only people who will have to rely on the ID card as their sole proof of identity will be those who cannot afford the forms of proof available to real people, such as having lots of credit cards.
Further proof of the Britishness of the scheme emerged when the Independent Scheme Assurance Panel noted the disbandment of the ministerial committee in charge of "coordinating identity management across government". Perhaps the number of illegal immigrants working in the Home Office puts the ID card at an unfair disadvantage. ISAP pointed out the "risk of shifting sands": ID cards could take so long to introduce that the technology involved might be out of date before the scheme is up and stumbling.
Meanwhile, Agent Smith is trying to build support for the scheme by allowing public sector workers in "positions of trust" (or, in Oldspeak, those for whom New New Labour has least use and most contempt) such as nurses, care staff and teachers, to obtain a card without renewing their passport. Dashed decent of her.
Further proof of the Britishness of the scheme emerged when the Independent Scheme Assurance Panel noted the disbandment of the ministerial committee in charge of "coordinating identity management across government". Perhaps the number of illegal immigrants working in the Home Office puts the ID card at an unfair disadvantage. ISAP pointed out the "risk of shifting sands": ID cards could take so long to introduce that the technology involved might be out of date before the scheme is up and stumbling.
Meanwhile, Agent Smith is trying to build support for the scheme by allowing public sector workers in "positions of trust" (or, in Oldspeak, those for whom New New Labour has least use and most contempt) such as nurses, care staff and teachers, to obtain a card without renewing their passport. Dashed decent of her.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Stolen Phish
From: daveybloke@cuddlicons.co.uk
Date: Thu May 15 2008 1:00pm Europe/London
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: firms are up for making this extension work
Reply-To: daveybloke@cuddlicons.co.uk
Hello!!!!!!!!
i am Daveybloke i am Bloke of the people i am Poeple Bloke. Gordon Bastard Brown is not Bloke of the poeple he is Nott people Bloke lcocal electons elections rah rah!!!!!!!!! i am Bloke wthith Plolicies i am Plolocieyful bloke. gordon Bastard Brown is Not ploilicy bloke. his plolicy is my plolicy butt My plolicy are betttter thasn Hisn. Gordon Bastard Brown stael stale stole plolicy from Conservatative Praty but This does nott maen we of the Consertavative Partty beleive in those Plolocies. Thhis is becuase we hvae outgornw Pujnch and pJuydydy plolictics adn [prprogrgresssed to plolictics of Bloke adn Not Bloke. i am bloke i am Daveybloke i am not tweedledumb or tweedledeedle i am Daveybloke Bloke. Vote for me against the plolicies of the Consrevative Prayty for the Plolocy of Gordon Bastard Brown though not but not the not opppositing Thingy.
rah rah
daveybloke (Bloke) bloke
Date: Thu May 15 2008 1:00pm Europe/London
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: firms are up for making this extension work
Reply-To: daveybloke@cuddlicons.co.uk
Hello!!!!!!!!
i am Daveybloke i am Bloke of the people i am Poeple Bloke. Gordon Bastard Brown is not Bloke of the poeple he is Nott people Bloke lcocal electons elections rah rah!!!!!!!!! i am Bloke wthith Plolicies i am Plolocieyful bloke. gordon Bastard Brown is Not ploilicy bloke. his plolicy is my plolicy butt My plolicy are betttter thasn Hisn. Gordon Bastard Brown stael stale stole plolicy from Conservatative Praty but This does nott maen we of the Consertavative Partty beleive in those Plolocies. Thhis is becuase we hvae outgornw Pujnch and pJuydydy plolictics adn [prprogrgresssed to plolictics of Bloke adn Not Bloke. i am bloke i am Daveybloke i am not tweedledumb or tweedledeedle i am Daveybloke Bloke. Vote for me against the plolicies of the Consrevative Prayty for the Plolocy of Gordon Bastard Brown though not but not the not opppositing Thingy.
rah rah
daveybloke (Bloke) bloke
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
You Were Warned
The Glorious Successor has proclaimed that there is "no easy solution" to the problem of care for the elderly, and an underling has duly ruled out the solution that would be easiest for the culprits. There are a great many things for which the Glorious Successor has proclaimed that there is no easy solution; and in this case, as usual, it is clear that the Government's main effort will be in apportioning the difficulties correctly. The Glorious Successor recognised that "helping relatives is a challenge that most families rise to - however difficult it becomes", which is jolly convenient for anyone who has no particular wish to ease such families' burdens. The Glorious Successor was gracious enough to note that the difficulties which families have to overcome don't "make it any easier" to overcome their difficulties. This is certainly true. The Glorious Successor, who as Chancellor of the Exchequer kept the purse-strings loose for Tony's wars (though apparently not loose enough to feed the troops - another triumph of New Labour prioritisation), warned that there is a "funding black hole" of six thousand million pounds in the ever more threadbare social safety net. The Glorious Successor said it was "essential" that people who "worked hard and saved for retirement were treated fairly". Those who cannot afford to save for retirement because of mounting living costs, or who have insufficient investment in the housing market to "sell a treasured home to pay for their own care", are evidently not entitled even to the sort of treatment New New Labour considers fair.
If Margaret Thatcher wins on Thursday, I warn you not to be ordinary, I warn you not to be young, I warn you not to fall ill, and I warn you not to grow old.
Neil Kinnock, 1983
If Margaret Thatcher wins on Thursday, I warn you not to be ordinary, I warn you not to be young, I warn you not to fall ill, and I warn you not to grow old.
Neil Kinnock, 1983
Monday, May 12, 2008
You Too Must Find a Loin and Gird It
The Minister for Student Fees has given what one of the Guardian's staff telepaths calls a candid assessment of New New Labour's chances of winning the next general election. Apparently the non-assertion of a "God-given right to govern" will help: "we need that honesty, that humility", though obviously nothing so extreme as a change in policy. "We must avoid kneejerk responses." This is ministerial code for Get in line and stay there, and the Minister made the message plainer still by noting that "people don't vote for divided, disunited rabbles". New New Labour received its electoral mauling not because of anything so ephemeral as policy - that would be too kneejerk a response and too simple a solution - but because people disagree with Gordon. Oh, the 10p tax furore was an error, of course, and New New Labour should "admit and acknowledge" the inexcusable damage to its public relations; but "there is no quick-fix solution, no one or two policy changes which will suddenly overnight transform our fortunes". This is ministerial code for Nothing substantive will be done. As with previous battles against terror, drugs, teenagers, smoking, drinking, un-Britishness, privacy, Magna Carta and non-decent Muslimity, there will be "a long, drawn-out battle in the run-up to the next election. A battle where we convince people of our vision and strength and convince them as well that they still can't trust the Tories"; the vision being of the tunnel variety and the strength being that which comes of being united in spinelessness.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Privatised Details
Well, here's a thing: the Independent Scheme Assurance Panel, a team of experts appointed by the Government to advise it on implementing the ID card scheme, has warned that the system "will be open to fraud by the people running it" - rather like the parliamentary system. The panel, appropriately acronymed ISAP, observes that "Based on the likelihood that the scheme will aggregate a lot of valuable data, there is the risk that its trusted administrators will make improper use of this data", despite the Government's intention to contract out the fingerprinting and photographing of law-abiding people and hard-working families to the private sector. The panel also notes that the scheme does not have a "robust and transparent operational data governance regime and clear data architecture", which the Observer helpfully translates as "confusion over its roll-out". Also, "Though the tender process is supposedly well advanced, requirements for information, communication and technology systems, processes and operations have still to be adequately specified and the rationale for key design decisions is unclear". Never mind what you're supposed to do for your money; never mind who you answer to; just grab those contracts and all that lovely taxpayers' money.
A spokesbeing for the Ministry of Snoopery said that using private companies "will give applicants a choice of competing services which should maximise convenience and drive down price"; which presumably means either that the public will have a choice of several different ID cards, or that there are several different governments trying to apply the service. On the question of whose convenience will be maximised, and whose pockets left unstrained, the spokesbeing was tactfully silent, although it did mention that the private sector "will have no decision-making powers over who is eligible for a passport or identity card"; which apparently is why there is no risk to the security of anyone who matters.
A spokesbeing for the Ministry of Snoopery said that using private companies "will give applicants a choice of competing services which should maximise convenience and drive down price"; which presumably means either that the public will have a choice of several different ID cards, or that there are several different governments trying to apply the service. On the question of whose convenience will be maximised, and whose pockets left unstrained, the spokesbeing was tactfully silent, although it did mention that the private sector "will have no decision-making powers over who is eligible for a passport or identity card"; which apparently is why there is no risk to the security of anyone who matters.
