The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Coming Soon

Thursday, March 26, 2015

They Hate Our Freedom Still

Some eminently sane proceedings at the Old Bailey have ended in a verdict of acquittal for a man charged with plotting to commit acts of terrorism. The trial was originally intended to be held entirely in secret, but after a legal challenge by the media the appeal court put in place a compromise arrangement whereby some of the trial was secret and some of it could be attended by up to ten journalists who were ordered to report only the good bits. The reasons for the secrecy are also a matter of secrecy, although it is believed that security agencies may have uttered the magic words terrorism, national security and brown person, which generally suffices. Meanwhile, the mad old cat lady at the Home Office will doubtless be deeply concerned that a partially secret trial has resulted only in a partially guilty verdict (the accused was found guilty of possessing a bomb-making manual). Certainly the results would have been far more satisfactory if only things had been done in a more confidential, cosy and British fashion.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

McHealth

Ignorant and backsliding persons are furthering their evil anti-business agenda with a vicious attack against the innocent pursuit of wealth on the National Health Service. It will be remembered that Twizzler Lansley, the dead-eyed apparatchik charged with pimping the coalition's NHS wrecking bill, took advice from the fast-food industry while ignoring such founts of pseudo-medicine as the BMA. Now McDonald's and Burger King are reaping their rewards through endorsement of their products by association with hospitals, while the BMA is understandably displeased. Taking on the usual function of a parliamentary select committee (viz. the function that used to be the prerogative of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition), the select committee on health has called for a ban; although, as usual, nobody seems to know where else the NHS is going to get its money, since Jeremy C Hunt's Department for Health and News Corporation certainly has no interest in supplying it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Calling All Churchills

With all its achievements in regard to the budget deficit, the NHS, the infrastructure and the greenest badger-hunt ever, it is hardly surprising that the Government should wish to fall back on wog-bombing to scrape a few votes in this glorious anniversary year of VE Day, VJ Day and the Dardanelles Campaign. Alexei Pushkov's comments yesterday have evidently sent a few Conservative cog-wheels creaking into motion, and today the Minister for War and the Colonies announced that he would "beef up" the defence of the Falkland Islands. There are rumours that Argentina has secured a deal with Russia for the lease of twelve long-range bombers which, in the vew of the Ministry for War and the Colonies, means the likelihood of attack on the islands is increasing. Numerous global threats may also be materialising, despite Britain's consistently pacific stance and its provision of a seemingly inexhaustible supply of Tony Blair.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Not the Same Sort of Thing At All

Some remarks by an empty suit on the subject of the Eastern Question appear to have given a Russian parliamentarian occasion to blaspheme. "The annexation of Crimea was illegal and illegitimate in March 2014, and remains illegal and illegitimate in March 2015," proclaimed Britain's Head Boy's minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns; whereupon the head of the Russian parliament's foreign affairs committee started drawing comparisons with the Falkland Islands, over which the sainted Thatcher fought a war for peace, freedom and democracy thirty-three years ago. The war cost more than nine hundred lives, many of them British, and was fought against a fascist dictatorship with which the sainted Thatcher's government had been, until then, only moderately friendly. Twenty years after first annexing the islands, Britain fought a war for peace, freedom and civilisation in the Crimea itself, to protect the democratic and humane Ottoman Empire against the illegal and illegitimate onslaught of the baby-eating Russian Bear. Russia's own experience of such purely defensive and democratic wars and land-grabs has, of course, been laughably limited, particularly since the year of the London Blitz.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Right-Wing Solutions

Over the past twenty-four years, five hundred and nine people in prison, police custody or migrant detention have been detrimented without due care and attention, or occasionally with excessive assertiveness. Some of the prison detrimentations showed a "lack of care and disregard for human life that is so blatant that it often appears as deliberate acts and omissions by individuals and institutions", which clearly shows that the minions of Serco and G4S have taken to heart the British Neoliberal Party's policy of perennial and ever-increasing toughness. Fortunately the five hundred and nine demising resources were all wogs, so nobody is to blame; and the Insititute of Race Relations reports that matters can only improve given that the present régime of profitable incarceration makes it even harder for troublemakers to interfere. There has been, as yet, no indication from Britain's Head Boy whether any of this makes him as physically unwell as the thought of allowing prisoners to vote.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Financial Headache

Yet further evidence of efficientisation in Jeremy C Hunt's Department for Health and News Corporation emerged today, when the charity Meningitis Now politely reminded the Government that vaccines tend to save lives and that, at least in a few unregenerate back-wards of the NHS, saving lives is still nearly as important as saving money. A vaccine was recommended to the Department of Health a year ago by the Joint Committee on Vaccination and Immunisation; but it has not been introduced because the Government is still negotiating the price with a drug company. It is as yet unclear whether coalition ministers have shares or hopes of directorships in the company; therefore it also remains unclear whether the Government is trying to negotiate the price downwards or upwards.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Republican Party Reptile

Fury at continuing God denial horror

Creationists in North Carolina have been praising the divine sense of humour as another faith-testing prank was unearthed by palaeontologists.

Fossil evidence has been uncovered of a 9-foot terrestrial crocodile which walked through the Triassic on its hind legs. It is thought to be one of the most ferocious and primitive Republicans on record.

Members of creationist and Young Earth congregations could be heard into the small hours, chanting praise for Jesus and anti-palaeontologist slogans.

"This proves beyond all doubt that creatures essentially resembling Republicans walked the earth long before the so-called dinosaurs," said lay preacher and mobile home salesman Pollock Squalous in between hosannas.

"It throws a God-shaped spanner right into the whole Islamo-evolutionist hen-run, and there's places where the sun's gone out as well. Coincidence? I don't think so."

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Stuffing Themselves On Stephen Green's Tax Money

Mere experts - those dreadful, obstructive Blob-things which have stood in the way of every effort by the Bullingdon Club to drag our great country back to the glory days of the workhouse, the Jarrow March and Oswald Mosley - have raised the usual nit-picking objections to Britain's Head Boy's latest wheeze on public health. It will be remembered that our slender, lissom leader proclaimed war on fat people as part of the new régime to get the proles fit enough to deserve their welfare benefits. After all, there's no point slashing the safety net to tatters if someone the size of Eric Pickles is just going to come along and sit on it, what? Anyway, an editorial in the notoriously terrorist-sympathetic Lancet has been so frivolous and backsliding as to take issue with the idea that poor people should be compelled to attend weight reduction classes in return for social security payments. The Lancet finds the proposal "financially and ethically questionable", which is unlikely to raise more than a quick snigger from a party chaired by Michael Green and run by Rupert Murdoch. Worse yet, as is the way of mere experts, the editorial goes on to recommend that "any mandated programme should have a strong evidence base for success", and even seems worried that requiring proles to undergo major surgical procedures as a condition of receiving benefits could be "far from ethical" even if junk food manufacturers and private health companies were somehow to increase their profits.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

A Steady Hand in Your Pocket

The Budget! Rah rah! Come on, chaps!
Cry God, Queen and good old Grant Shapps!
I'm a good smarmy bragger
With plenty of swagger -
Of course they'll forget the collapse!

The Budget! I'll wave my red box,
And gas every Miliband fox;
We'll win, and hey presto,
Sod that manifesto -
The voters can take some more knocks!

The Budget! My targets all missed!
Those billions murally pissed!
But I'll go to work
With my Bullingdon smirk -
They'll never find strength to resist!

Gideon Fatwick