The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, January 26, 2015

People Don't Cause Hatred, Books Cause Hatred

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz by the forces of Winston Churchill with some minor assistance from an evil empire; so naturally an obscure Scottish Labour MP has taken the opportunity to scrounge a headline or two from the festivities. Thomas Docherty, the expenses claimant for Dunfermline and West Fife, has discovered that some people think Mein Kampf ought to be banned, while some people think otherwise. Thomas Docherty claims not to be arguing either way, but seems to think all those other people aren't arguing enough; and he believes the culture secretary ought to do something about it. Docherty is charitable enough to endorse the rights of Rushdie's Satanic Verses and Scorsese's Last Temptation of Christ, both of which caused offence without explicitly inciting hatred; it is less clear what Docherty thinks of The Merchant of Venice or the numerous merrily genocidal parts of the Old Testament. In any case, it is doubtful that Sajid Javid has any particular wish to curtail Hitler's right to freedom of speech, especially as Mein Kampf is making healthy profits for Amazon.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Sword of Justice

As one would expect, Britain's Ministry of Justice has acquired a commercial arm. It is called Just Solutions International, which is certainly jolly catchy, and it does not deign to file any public accounts even though its ostensible purpose is to bring in cash to prop up the equally charmingly-named National Offender Management Scheme, which otherwise would be forced to sully the clean, pure waters of British justice with the filthy ordure of public funding. As one would expect, Just Solutions International has bid for a contract to provide a "training needs analysis" for the boot-boys of some fundamentalist floggers and choppers in the Middle East. As one would expect, the deal has to be signed off by the Foreign Office once the embassy has provided an evaulation in which human rights occupy a footnote or two; but the public is not entitled to any further details because the matter is "commercially sensitive" - a new variant on national security of which we serfs in UK plc will doubtless be hearing much more.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Michael and Grant and Eric and Brandon

That brilliant entrepreneur and respected statesman, Michael Green, has notched up another triumph, this time in fulfilling the coalition's 2011 pledge to replace all the social housing it was allowing to be flogged off. According to the Government's own figures, sixteen and a half thousand homes have been sold since the scheme was introduced, and a remarkable three thousand homes have been started. This means that the pledge to build one for every one sold has been fulfilled at a rate of one built for every 5.28 sold, which is almost certainly bang on the button as far as Osbornomic maths goes: a home-owning prole is worth at least five and a half renting proles, particularly if those who cannot afford to rent are consigned to their proper status outside the equation. Nevertheless, something called Brandon was extruded to point out that it takes longer to build houses than to sell them, and that therefore the discrepancy was all the fault of those local authorities at which Eric Pickles has been throwing money these past few years. Besides being a former primary-school profiteer and victim of marauding gipsies, Brandon used to be part of a double act with Pickles on local radio, The Eric and Brandon Show, where no doubt concern for social housing was a persistent theme.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Kindred Spirits

He worked just hard enough to rise
To power through his family ties.
Back-benchers in eternal strife
Were oft a blight upon his life.
He promised change and consultation,
Delivered state decapitation;
And where the ladies felt repressed
His government would do its best
With token measures to appease
The deadly feminist disease.
In law and order he believed;
By hate speech was sincerely grieved,
And any bit of nasty blogging
Was duly answered with a flogging.
Withal, he ran a charming court,
All guns and coshes British-bought -
No wonder our Head Boy is so
Sincerely sad to see him go.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Underground Rumblings

So green and clean is shale fracking, and so many jobs will it create, that misgivings have set in even among the more expendable Conservatives. Caroline Spelman is the former environment minister whose main contribution to the greenest government ever was a failed if ambitious attempt at privatising large numbers of trees. Anne McIntosh is the expenses claimant for a constituency somewhere in northern England, who has expressed concern over female doctors on the grounds that they tend to marry and breed, thus putting a huge burden on the health service. Spelman and McIntosh have both had a sudden attack of environmental consciousness, and are now calling for a moratorium on shale fracking despite all the workfare opportunities it would infallibly open up in McIntosh's little place up north. McIntosh has even realised that fracking is inconsistent with pretensions to be the greenest government ever, and could derail efforts to tackle global warming if any such efforts were actually being made; and her arrival at this realisation has taken a mere four years and eight months. No doubt it would be uncharitable to assume that the light of revelation resulted from a sudden loss of faith in her prospects for appointment as a token filly in a Bullingdon cabinet; but it still seems remarkable that the privilege has managed to elude her.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Dark, Satanic Windmills

The greenest government ever rejected nearly sixty per cent of onshore windfarm projects last year. The Deputy Conservatives have been standing up for onshore wind, in the form of Ed Davey (not to be confused with Ed or Davey) doing a bit of bleating now and then; but the Minister for Community Atomisation, Eric Pickles, has somehow managed to ignore him. A minion was duly extruded to proclaim that the rejections resulted from the delicate aesthetic sensitivity and abiding environmental concern of Eric Pickles: wind turbines can be "a blight on the landscape, harming the local environment and damaging heritage for miles around", quite unlike shale frackers, nuclear reactors or Eric Pickles himself.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Compassionate Conservatism

True Britons can sleep easy in their beds a while, for the heroic Home Office cockroach James Brokenshire is ever vigilant against the danger of bereaved grandparents. Brokenshire has denied three Zimbabweans a visa for the funeral of their five-year-old granddaughter and niece, who was killed in a traffic accident last month. Britain's Head Boy promised to intervene; but it is an election year, the promise was made to a mere Liberal Democrat, and the temptation to show due contempt both for wogs and for Deputy Conservatives must have been that little bit too strong. The Home Office denied the visa because the Zimbabweans could not demonstrate a regular income, and therefore would undoubtedly abscond on an uninhibited spree of job-stealing and benefits-claiming the moment they set foot in a civilised country. Non-wealthy black Africans are of course well known for their habitual and cynical use of dead children for personal gain. Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition have apparently not commented on the matter, but given their record in office (notably that of Brokenshire's cockroach frère et semblable, Phil Woolas) they presumably believe that the funeral would be best held on the parents' deportation flight.

Monday, January 19, 2015

We Are All Responsible, So Why Don't You Do More?

Britain's Head Boy has reacted with unwonted subtlety to Eric Pickles' hobnailed bellyflop into the Muslim Question. In his capacity as Minister for Community Atomisation, Pickles sent a letter to more than a thousand Muslim leaders, informing them that, in case they didn't know it, "everyone needs to help" in dealing with terrorism. Much as when the coalition lectures us all on pitching in to help the bankers and other worthies, the word everyone in this context translates as you, with more than a hint of or else. Pickles ordered his correspondents to show that British Muslimity does not involve blowing things up or killing innocent people, since that is the prerogative of the officially Christian British state. Pickles demanded that young British Muslims be prevented from radicalising through being shown condemnatory statements from other British Muslims. Pickles added a bit of paternalistic nagging that the problem of radicalisation cannot be solved by Whitehall alone, and threw in a few protection-racket threats about help for those in need, which religious institutions sometimes provide and which Eric Pickles and Whitehall are only too happy to kick to pieces when the mood takes them. Britain's Head Boy therefore proclaimed the document "the most reasonable, sensible, moderate letter that Eric could possibly have written", which certainly demonstrates an astute grasp of the extent of Pickles' diplomatic skills.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Wisdom, Justice, Retardation

The Christian state of Georgia is preparing to bag itself another black man. Warren Hill, who was sentenced to life imprisonment for killing his girlfriend and then to execution for killing another prisoner, is scheduled for judicial cleansing on 27 January. This will mark the end of a long and frustrating process for the Christian state of Georgia, which has been thwarted in its quest for closure several times since sentence was pronounced a quarter of a century ago. Most recently, a stay of execution was granted because of the Christian state of Georgia's refusal to give proper information as to the source and nature of the drugs to be used in the lethal injection. Hill has also attempted to dodge his just desserts by being mentally retarded; the execution of people with learning disabilities is unconstitutional even in the Chrisitian state of Georgia, but this lily-livered liberalism has been balanced with the stipulation that the existence of such disabilities must be proved beyond reasonable doubt - a burden of proof which less civilised societies tend to reserve for the accusers.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Give Us the Tools and We Will Ask You Nicely to Finish the Job

Britain's Head Boy has been emulating his spiritual godfather, the Reverend Tony, by doing the international statesman thingy in America. His pleas for eternal vigilance through perpetual surveillance having been duly brushed off, Britain's Head Boy has been busy securing the continued non-release of Guantánamo Bay's last British asset, on the grounds that the British government would suddenly develop legal scruples about spying on Shaker Aamer in the unfortunate eventuality of his not being deported to Saudi Arabia. Britain's Head Boy has also had a bit of a burble at a couple of senators, telling them that a vote for further sanctions against Iran could lead to further excuses for killing brown people. As a sometime front-man for the Middle Eastern arms trade and a perennially frustrated wog-bomber, Britain's Head Boy is no doubt uniquely qualified to persuade on that score.