The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Resurrecting the Union

One of Vladimir Putin's more prominent flankers has been touring a factory, and has received a Sukhoi Su-35 as a souvenir. Putin and the Russian Orthodox Church have been cuddling up to one another, apparently because they both agree that the former Soviet republics have no business going away and having Orthodox Churches of their own. "Russia is not only a country," sermonised Patriarch Kirill; "it is a whole civilisation, it is a thousand-year story, a cultural melting-pot, of enormous power." Evidently Patriarch Kirill is dangerously close to delusions of Britishness.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

But What About the Husky Hug?

Well, here's a thing: certain uncharitable and backsliding persons have criticised the greenest government ever for failing to take effective action in ten different areas of environment policy. Because of the respect accorded to the relevant ministers' ability to process information, the Environmental Audit Committee has adopted a traffic-light colour coding, with green for satisfactory progress, amber for standing still and red for going backwards. Surprisingly enough, out of the ten ratings the greenest government ever received only seven amber and only three red; more surprisingly still, one of the latter was for flood prevention, even after Britain's Head Boy toddled up and down Surrey babbling that money was no object. Attempting to dredge virtue from necessity, a spokesbeing blathered that the coalition had spent more on floods than the previous administration, without troubling to state how many workers the previous administration sacked from the Environment Agency, or how many climate change deniers it appointed to head the Department of the Environment in order that money might not be an object.

Monday, September 15, 2014

God Preserve Our Sovereign Spooks

Those glorious bastions of British democracy, GCHQ and police spies, could soon be severely hampered in their work thanks to interference by the Euro-wogs. The Bureau of Investigative Journalism has gone to Strasbourg, which is what Brussels calls itself when adjudicating on legal matters, in order to try and overturn the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act, which was passed during the Reverend Blair's first legislative orgasm in 2000. The act allows government-appointed snoopers to identify journalists' sources by sneaking a look at their phone records. Naturally, those with nothing to hide have nothing to fear; but it is thought that some banana-straightening bureaucrat among the Euro-wogs, probably working in cahoots with the Ayatollah Leveson, may have slipped some sort of meddlesome technicality into European law.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

That Child-Shaped Hole in the Universe

Assuming we are to have a national health service, which is to say assuming the taxpayer is to bestow medical aid upon the financially negligible, there must obviously be limits as to what treatments can be obtained. Alcoholism, as we know because the tabloid moralists have told us, is a lifestyle choice; as are obesity, transsexualism and such wages of idleness as depression, malnutrition and rickets. There has been, at various times, some controversy over whether these complaints and their consequences are worthy of treatment on the NHS. In the case of breeders, of course, there is no such argument. The production of yet more worker-consumers is always and forever an inherently meritorious enterprise; because if there's one thing the Anthropogene Extinction Event can do with, it's more human beings.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Why Not Spend it on Us?

Britain's scumbag press is set for an indignation meltdown as out-of-touch MPs voted through a Deputy Conservative bill to throw a whopping £11,000 million at foreigners every year. The bill commits the Government to spending a massive seven-tenths of one per cent of Britain's national income on poor people, even though Britain's economy is in dire shape thanks to thirteen years of Labour waste, even though Britain's economy is all that is keeping Scotland viable. The bill was opposed only by seven big-hearted Real Conservatives, and is likely to be denounced by UKIP, the Daily Mail, and anyone else who can calculate the value of £11,000 million in tax cuts, executive bonuses, privatisation payouts, military hardware, water cannon and riot gear.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Blathering for Britain

It isn't all about the fiend Salmond, you know. The Caudillo of the Farage Falange, who never saw a bandwagon he wouldn't try to steer, has leapt aboard the Scottish independence debate with his usual hob-nailed, gibbering charm. In defence of traditional British values, such as the political neutrality of the monarch, the Caudillo recommended that the monarch should abolish her political neutrality and tell the uppity Scots where not to get off. Still, the Caudillo did not neglect to push his Falange's favourite button, namely "but what about me?" The sudden and doubtless temporary enthusiasm of the British Neoliberal Party's two and a bit main branches for Devo Something-or-other has fired the Caudillo's ever-glowing indignation, and it appears that the Farage Falange will now be campaigning for a federal England in addition to a politically committed monarch. The Caudillo also wished "to make an argument that nobody else has made in this campaign, that this referendum is not about independence." As so often with the Caudillo's pronunciamenti, the reason why nobody else has made the argument will be apparent to almost everybody outside the country's various institutions for the mentally incapacitated, such as the Farage Falange.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Too Comfortable to Go On Living

The Government's ombudsman for human warehousing and profitable probation has described a sixty-four per cent rise in prison suicides as "troubling". Levels of mental illness are increasing; prison staff are consistently failing to identify those at risk, and monitoring and review systems are presumably more conducive to punishment with a free-market face than to anything so liberal-lefty as prevention and cure. The relevant minister, Chris Graybeing, has said that he takes the issue seriously, after his usual Zen fashion: "We saw a rise in numbers earlier in the year; we saw a fall in numbers across the summer," he intoned. "We may see a rise or a fall in the future." This is certainly helpful. Still, Graybeing undoubtedly takes the matter seriously, doubtless because he believes that the unauthorised self-destruct of a penitential unit shows an unacceptable level of unearned privilege.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

That Which is Altogether Just Shalt Thou Follow

The Righteous State's chief military prosecutor has decided to investigate a handful of isolated incidents which occurred during its recent rampage in Gaza. Apparently there have been hints in certain quarters that not all the violence was the fault of Palestinians; and the Righteous State does not wish to co-operate with a UNHCR investigation which will involve personnel from the United Nations, perpetrator of Security Council Resolution 242 and other anti-semitic tracts. It is to be hoped and expected that the disinterested probity of the Righteous State's chief military prosecutor will rival, if not surpass, the self-probings of our own Metropolitain Firearms and Headbangers' Club; but civilian judges are standing by, in the interests of yet further righteousness, just in case anything inconvenient needs to be overturned.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Gumption, Pluck and Phlegm

Great Britain began in sixteen-oh-three
With a learnéd and shrewd sort of king,
Who had the good sense not to play it too free
With his God-in-the-monarchy thing.

Great Britain went on through years and decades
Of greatness and Britishness, too;
By conquest and massacre, rapine and raids,
And all that is jolly and true.

Great Britain has long since passed its high noon,
And may shortly wind down to a stop
With a technocrat geek, a mendacious poltroon,
And an ignorant, panicking fop.

Caminicker Bandycleg

Monday, September 08, 2014

In Touch

I am in receipt of a flyer, apparently authored by George Osborne under the pseudonym of Mike Freer, Member of the Expenses-Claiming Community for Finchley and Golders Green. As one might expect, the Chancellor's achievements have been limited only by the amount of self-congratulation which can be fitted onto a mere sheet of A4 paper.

The budget deficit, for one, is "down by a third since the election." Presumably this is the same deficit which the Chancellor promised to eliminate entirely within a single parliament; which presumably means that, on his own terms, he has failed.

Oh well, never mind. "Growth forecasts have been revised upwards ... and Britain is set to grow faster than the USA, France or Germany", thanks to the Bullingdon Bubble in the housing market. Given the Chancellor's performance in other areas, it would have been considerate of him to let us know how soon after May 2015 the bubble is scheduled to burst.

"People who have worked hard and saved all their lives will no longer be forced to take out an annuity", while those who work hard but don't make enough to save will keep working hard until they drop, or else be driven to despair by Iain Duncan Smith's idleness police. That's only fair, after all.

But that's not all! "There was good news for the many people that contacted me regarding beer duty. Another penny off the pint! Cheers!" And let's not have any more back-talk about the Tories patronising the proles!

There is good news for motorists (I don't drive, unlike many members and supporters of the greenest government ever), good news for airline passengers (ditto), and help with energy bills that may save families £1.25 a month which they can put by for the next time the energy cartel decides its executives could do with something extra to keep their own families off the streets.

There is also a rather bizarre little squib about a "new ultra-secure £1 coin", which will be the most resilient ever and will have twelve sides. Obviously this is frightfully jolly.

Mike Freer does display a bit of concern about the rumours of a Labour and/or Deputy Conservative mansion tax, which would be "simply unfair, as many people in Finchley and Golders Green would have to leave their homes as a result" - real people, mind you, not the scroungers and shirkers affected by the Spare Bedroom Subsidy Withdrawal.

Since 2010, Finchley and Golders Green has acquired a food bank; but Mike Freer's pride in that particular Conservative achievement evidently goes without saying.