The Curmudgeon


Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Tougher Than Us

While Britannia squeals and clutches her pearls at the thought of five thousand poor devils swarming up her from Calais, twelve thousand Icelanders are calling on their government to take in more refugees. Four per cent of the country's population, the equivalent of something over two million Britons, have signed an open letter asking the government to increase its quota and offering help, education and living space. Iceland, of course, is a Viking colony, with a far more robust economy and culture than we Brythonic tribespersons could ever hope to achieve.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Learning from the Best

An inquiry by the Australian Senate has found that the country's Nauru concentration camp is finally beginning to approach the standard set by those reliable people at Serco and G4S here on the mainland, with incentives such as child abuse, sexual assault and recreational violence providing due safeguards against unintentional pull factors. Portions of the swarm have even been driven to start marauding against themselves, allegedly at the instigation of workers from Save the Children whom the Australian Green Party wants reinstated so they can continue their reign of terror.

The Senate committee insists, ludicrously enough, that the concentration camp is the responsibility of the Australian government just because the Australian government is throwing taxpayers' money at Transfield, the flesh-traffickers who claim to be running it. In fact, of course, the concentration camp is the responsibility of the government of Nauru, much as the abuses in Guantánamo Bay were the fault of Fidel Castro. An attempt to dump the excess in Cambodia seems to have failed, despite bribes of six million pounds per cockroach.

Sunday, August 30, 2015


'Twas yesterday the slimy Tones
Did whine and wibble in the Press.
All grimly came the horrid moans
Of wrath and much distress.

"Beware the Jerricorb, my flock!
The flip-flop shoes, the beard of grey!
Beware Democracy, and lock
The Membership away!"

He'd taken Party well in hand,
Long bowed and scraped at Murdoch's court;
So laboured he 'neath the Tory tree
And sold both hard and short.

But as he gathered up the cash,
The Muslim hordes, with eye of flame
And vicious Saddamite moustache,
To bomb the country came!

One two! One two! And through and through
He pacified the Middle East!
Alas, it terrorised anew -
Ungrateful little beast.

Tomorrow, and the slimy Tones
Will whine and wibble in the Press.
All grim will come the horrid moans
Of wrath and much distress.

Wacky Jabber

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Draughts of History

Chileans are protesting over the presence at London's Tall Ships Festival of La Esmeralda, a naval training vessel and sometime floating torture chamber. The ship was used in the 1970s to provide short, sharp shocks to opponents of the sainted Thatcher's chum, General Augusto Pinochet; enhanced incentivisation methods included rape, the use of electric shocks, mock executions and beatings, as routinely prescribed by defenders of democracy from that day to this. According to Britain's leading liberal newspaper, the only role the USA had in Pinochet's coup was to commission a 1986 report exposing the régime's maritime indiscretions; the Chilean protestors are exercised because the navy has not yet acknowledged its role in these well-intentioned yet mistaken anti-terrorist activities. One of the victims was partly British, which seems sufficient reason for Britain's leading liberal newspaper to think we should care.

Friday, August 28, 2015

A Faith That Can Move Mountains of Marauders

It appears that, thanks to the Home Office, our great country is in no immediate danger of being swamped by marauding Eritreans. The Eritrean government, who are very nice people, have assured the minions of the mad old cat lady that all anyone needs to do is sign a letter of apology for leaving the country without permission, and pay their income taxes. This latter may seem a bit ruthless in our own more civilised political culture, where tax-dodging is the defining attribute of the wealth-creative hard-working family; but a report commissioned last year by the Danish government suggested that conditions in Eritrea were improving sufficiently to be fit for the natives, if not for the average Conservative Party donor. The fact that the Danish government has distanced itself from the report, and the mere reality that the UN has reported migrants being arrested on return, imprisoned for up to three years and "systematically ill-treated to the point of torture" are naturally matters of no consequence, since Government policy dictates that things must be otherwise.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Upward Mobility

Sweet honest labour pays the bills,
And cheers you up, and cures your ills;
So stir your carcass, move yourselves -
Flip burgers, stack some pound-store shelves,
Recall that work, to some degree,
Improves a chap when done for free;
And since you're dead, there can be few
Who'll need this blessing more than you.

Of idleness you must be rid;
So claw away that coffin lid,
Then dig your way up through the dirt
(It's work, therefore it cannot hurt),
And shamble forth to meet with us,
The zombies at JobCentre Plus.
(Please be on time, or else we'll come
And rip a chunk out of your mum.)

C V Mendax

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Oppressive Church

Is there no end to the persecution of ordinary decent corporations? Shell, which has recently been granted permission to finish off what remains of the Arctic, was today subjected to a malicious campaign of unprovoked melodic dinsincentive. The culprits were Greenpeace protesters abetted by Charlotte Church and a string quartet, and the bullying drew expectable squeals of outrage from the victim. A spokesbeing was extruded to express Shell's respect for the right to democratic protest and disappointment at certain malcontents' inability to engage in constructive dialogue and say yes to whatever drilling, spilling and profiteering Shell might feel itself able, in good conscience, to carry out. The spokesbeing delivered a lecture upon the continuing necessity for fossil fuels, which are a path to prosperity for Shell's little brown brothers in the developing world and also, coincidentally enough, for clean-living companies like Shell.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Missionary Man

No commemoration of a geopolitical catastrophe, particularly in the middle of an economic crisis, would be entirely complete without the presence of a memento mori, and the Heathen Chinee have politely allowed the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair to attend their VJ Day ceremonies. It is not as yet clear whether the godfather of modern Iraq and attending midwife to the birth of Islamic State will be marching in any parades, but his presence will almost certainly mean that currency starts moving in the beleaguered Chinese economy. When his reverence condescended to bestow his wisdom upon the Heathen Chinee in a lecture tour a few years ago, a reported half-million dollars inveigled its way into Tony's wallet as a small spiritual return for a single sermon.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Dynamic Opportunifications

The Department for Workfare and Privation is seeking inexperienced short-term staff to replace the experienced, permanent staff whom it kicked out two months ago. The work on offer is admirably euphemised as "reform programmes" (poor-bashing and cripple-kicking, in Oldspeak), and of course it makes perfect sense, when implementing complicated changes, to ensure that those performing the task are tainted as little as possible by the bad old ways. Despite the glittering example of the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith, it appears that trained and experienced human resources are not always able to maintain the requisite levels of incompetence for the Idleness Police.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

And After All We've Done

Security and stability continue to flourish alongside the peace, freedom and democracy into which Afghanistan was bombed some little time ago. A suicide bomber has killed three American mercenaries, who were not named, and a dozen or so natives, who are never worth naming. It's the latest in a wave of attacks which have caused more than five thousand civilian casualties so far this year, making 2015 possibly the fledgling democracy's deadliest year since the nation-building process began. Like many of the crusaders for civilisation from 2001 onwards, to say nothing of the Righteous State during its frequent paroxysms of peace-seeking, the suicide bomber targeted foreign fighters but succeeded mainly in demolishing schools and hospitals and killing women and children. Fortunately, there is no moral equivalence.