The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, March 18, 2024

Plucky Little Natives

Non-governmental and hence necessarily unelected organisations have criticised the Libyan coastguard over its efforts to save British jobs for British workers. Médecins Sans Frontières, whose name incriminatingly combines doctors and lack of border control, was apparently interrupted in its migrant-condoning activities by a coastguard patrol, which despite having a much smaller boat stepped up to the plate in the war against people-traffickers by substantially increasing the chances of the merchandise drowning. Since the present condition of the Libyan state is at least partly to the credit of the Bullingdon Club-Liberal Democrat administration which did so much to bomb it into liberty, the insult by Médecins Sans Frontières could be construed as an insult to Britain's erstwhile Head Boy and current glistening pink Minister for Wogs, Frogs, Huns and Hottentots; particularly as MSF has been so foreign and pro-Palestinian as to invoke, of all things, international law. Whether such defiance of British values makes MSF Muslim enough for the extremism blacklist remains as yet unclear.

Sunday, March 17, 2024

Built on Sand

Beachfront property owners in Massachusetts are united in victorious grief after a sacrificial sand dune gave its existence to protect their real estate. Since more solid protections are not allowed, the group paid half a million dollars to pile up fifteen thousand tons of sand, which was washed away within three days. The sponsors of the martyred dune are congratulating themselves on a job well done and, in the great small-state tradition of wealthy Americans, have appealed to Big Government for help. The leader of the Republican minority in the state senate, which the Democrats outnumber nine to one, has been quick to announce that he is personally attempting to find state funding to the value of three further dunes. Given the Trumpster party's disbelief in the climate crisis, the senator no doubt has little concern for protecting the beachfront over nearly a week and a half; nevertheless, the opportunities for steady and reliable employment in creating piles of sand which are regularly washed away can hardly be denied.

Saturday, March 16, 2024

Absolutely Astonishing

Greatly to the astonishment of almost nobody at all, an empty slogan has proven to be little more than an empty slogan. "Levelling up" was a guiding principle of the National Johnson régime for at least as long as it took to fool enough of the people enough of the time, and the concept was subsequently delivered unto the proudly inexpert administration of the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove; yet despite these advantages only a tenth of the promised funds have materialised. As might be expected by practically anyone except a professional journalist or a committee drawn from the House of Expenses Claimants, those projects which have been funded are not the low and vulgar sort which might sully their backers by making a difference in the real world; except possibly as regards the fiscal well-being of friendly crooks, chancers and other deserving recipients of Christian forgiveness. Who could possibly have foreseen it?

Friday, March 15, 2024

Please Keep Off the Nation

Last year, in one of its more understated cultural assaults, His Majesty's Government renamed England's areas of outstanding natural beauty as "national landscapes," in recognition that they are not merely beautiful but an asset of the master race. There are thirty-four such areas in England, of which the majority are more than ninety per cent out of bounds to the public, who must rest content with residing for the most part within a convenient travelling distance of the proud patriotic vistas. Nevertheless, certain elements protest that the right to roam should be assumed, despite the obvious dangers to our ever more robust British democracy; for there are, as we forget to our peril, right and wrong ways to want your country back. There is the sensible and moderate, legitimate and understandable way of wanting borders controlled, migrants deported, foreigners reminded who won the war, and reality in general put in its proper place; and there is the extremist way of demanding that the plebs be granted more or less unlimited access to the geographical resources of their betters.

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Putin Fails Again

Anonymous sources within His Majesty's Government, which are doubtless as reliable as anyone concerning their well-informed and genuine beliefs, are squealing about the GPS signal on board an RAF aircraft being jammed when it buzzed Russian territory. Unlike aggressor nations with legitimate security concerns, Russia does not have the right to react when closely approached by military aircraft belonging to a hostile alliance. A spokesbeing from the Ministry of Wog-Bombing shrieked that, while the master race can of course take anything the pathetic Russian military throws at it, the jamming was inexcusable, dangerous and wildly irresponsible. Given that at least one of Grant Shapps' aliases was aboard the aircraft, and that their safety was not threatened in any way, it would be difficult for any reasonable person to disagree.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

British News for British Readers

Faced with the possibility that certain dusky foreigns are prepared to pay good money for the Maily Toryguff, His Majesty's Government has had a sudden attack of market interventionism. It's one thing to flog off public assets to private companies based outside the UK; it is quite another to allow a traditionally Conservative and now dementedly far-right rag to fall into the hands of a bunch of greasy wogs, however forthright and pragmatic their attitude to human rights. The Toryguff is in imminent peril of being taken over by an unholy hybrid of private investment and foreign government; which would clearly darken its British values far beneath those of the London Evening Tory with its KGB family standards, let alone those of that free and fearless majority of our national Press controlled by the Australo-American paragon whose supreme leadership encompasses alike the Government, the Opposition, and the Plebs.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

It Was Good Enough For Eichmann

In yet another paroxysm of toxic un-Britishness, the union for senior civil servants has threatened to use, of all things, the law to determine whether the will of the people and the whims of ministers can be trumped by vexatious legalisms. Britain's sovereign parliament is expected soon to rubber-stamp the Government's wog transportation bill, which incidentally states that ministers have the right to override international law on as limited and specific a basis as seems convenient at the time. The civil service code obliges officials to comply with the law, which even in Global Britain includes international law; and the union, under the leadership of the incriminatingly-surnamed Dave Penman, has raised concerns that the we were only obeying orders defence, famously if unsuccessfully utilised by some patriots at Nuremberg, may not prove altogether effective should civil servants run into trouble for following illegal instructions. Even a clarification by the top civil servant at the Ministry for Wog Control and a senior civil servant in the Ministry of Ministerial Ministrations, to the effect that little people should do as they're told, has not entirely resolved the matter.

Monday, March 11, 2024

Cash Flow

One of Britain's biggest, dirtiest and most profligate moisture provision profiteers has refused to commit any funds to an industry drive towards reducing sewage dumping. Somebody hinted that officials were disappointed, and something called Steve was so disappointed that it had a bit of a burble about the state of the nation's rivers somehow being completely unacceptable, despite fourteen years of upkeep on its own party's watch and despite our recent liberation from the ungreenly Strasbrussels straitjacket. Not only has the Government suddenly noticed that allowing profiteers to dump sewage means that profiteers will dump sewage, but it plans on pushing the water companies to do better by deploying cutting-edge technology and artificial intelligence; either because something called Steve has seen those words in the headlines this week, or else because Fishy Rishi wants to remind Elon Musk that he exists.

Sunday, March 10, 2024

Psychological Welfare

Although His Majesty's Government treats the mental health of native shirkers and scroungers with characteristic contempt, it has apparently developed a touching concern for the emotional well-being of the swarming hordes. An enemy of the people has criticised the Idleness Police for their efficient and ultimately fatal exacerbation of a benefits claimant's anxiety issues; by contrast, the Ministry for Wog Warehousing has confirmed that it routinely withholds information from relatives when asylum seekers die in custody. Since there is no evidence of a link between foreign mental illness and His Majesty's Government chalking up another migrant bag, the Ministry has stated that such disclosures would endanger the mental health of the deceased's relatives. In defence of British values, it is expected that Team Starmer will respond with righteous indignation to the idea that the families of migrants should be treated with such excessive consideration while people who have chosen a life on benefits are being placed in a state of permanent economic inactivity.

Saturday, March 09, 2024

Indirect Sale

Descendants of the man who allegedly killed England's second Norman king are offering a triptych depicting the Conquest, the king's death and the supposed perpetrator's escape. William II, called Rufus, had little respect for conventional pieties and did not marry or breed, thus making himself odious to the Church and abhorrent to God and provoking rumours of sodomy. Having received brief mention among the denizens of the Gallows and Glockenspiel, he died from an arrow wound which he received while hunting. The arrow was supposedly fired by one Walter Tirel, the son of a knight who had participated in the Battle of Hastings, though the question whether it was carried to the royal lung by God's design or man's has never been satisfactorily resolved. The triptych, which may or may not be authentically Norman, has elicited offers of purchase by potential buyers in Saudi Arabia and the USA; but Tirel's family say they would prefer to reach an agreement with a British public authority about donating it to a museum, which might then be able to stay open for another year or two by selling it to someone in Saudi Arabia or the USA.