The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

News 2020

All the breaking news - fifteen years before events come together

Three times winner of the Guardian Media Group Award for Nuance

An automotively-mounted domestically-assembled explosive device (AMDED) has exploded outside one of the US embassies in Iraq, injuring five of the diplomatic staff who were repairing a tank. General Claiborne F Minuteman of the Special Embassies Iraq Zone Unified Response Executive (SEIZURE) stated at a press conference that the bombing was the work of the elusive Khazi of Kalabar, who is believed to be hiding in Afghanistan while directing operations in Iraq and carrying out acts of pointless sadism in Venezuela.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, has called for another radical reform of education in Britain. His comments came after a Daily Mail survey found that large numbers of children under five do not know who won the Napoleonic Wars, have no idea of the nature of the victory at Dunkirk and believe Agincourt is a computer tennis game. Three-quarters of under-sevens also believe that "We shall fight them on the beaches" is a quotation from the Benidorm deckchair wars of the 1980s.

"Our young people are losing touch with the great British spirit of heroism," Mr Johnson said. "With modern educational standards they way they are, it's no wonder people are so thick and apathetic about the war on terror." The BEEP leader, Robert Kilroy-Silk, concurred. "Look at what those yellowbellies did to our boys in the Pacific," he said, his tanned face titian with feeling. "And they haven't even apologised properly. We'll be inviting them into Europe next, I suppose."

Elspet Grimsdyke of the Department of Education and Work Preparedness replied that the Government was more concerned to help children towards a brilliant future than to dwell on Britain's admittedly glorious past. "If they want to study history, there's plenty of time for that once they've finished their education," she said. Ms Grimsdyke reminded the House that literacy rates among children leaving school were almost up to their pre-2010 levels, which meant all the more budding historians in the next generation, she claimed.

Mr Johnson also queried the Government's controversial proposal to extend the Civil List to include the Commander-in-Chief of the United States. "I trust the Government has made every effort to ensure that any new Civil List personnel are the kind of human resources that would be good for Britain and good for her image abroad, and have the proper ancestry," he said. The Prime Minister assured Mr Johnson that many of the Commander-in-Chief's ancestors had been born in England, and that those who were not Protestants had, during the reign of Elizabeth I, been thoroughly persuaded to adopt the national faith.

After years of controversy, the French government has finally decided to ban the Tricolour from display in schools, along with all other religious symbols. "The Tricolour symbolises the ideals of the Revolution and the Enlightenment," said Interior Minister Armand Crétin. "Since these ideals have no ultimate basis in rationality - indeed, many of the men behind the Enlightenment were Deists, believers in a God of sorts - their flag must be considered a religious icon."

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