The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

News 2020

All the news that will be news around the world in around fifteen years

Indigestion has crippled a number of journalists attempting to report on the Russian army's action in the troubled province of Chechnya, which has suffered under a blight of separatist terrorism for many years. Reporters who were not embedded with the Russian army have all been laid low by stomach problems over the last forty-eight hours.

The difficulties come at a particularly inconvenient time, as the Russian army is preparing to liberate several Chechen cities, in which as many as 500 separatist terrorists may be lurking. The Russian minister of information, Baba Yagarev, said that the stricken journalists must have drunk contaminated water, of which the province has a plentiful supply.

Russia's actions in Chechnya have caused some concern in the West because of allegations that the human rights of civilians are occasionally violated. The United States has expressed misgivings on several occasions, despite acknowledging that the pacification of the province is purely an internal affair for the Russian government.

In other developments, the US government has recognised one of the three men currently claiming to be the fifteenth Dalai Lama. Mr Leopold Hubley of Lhasa, North Dakota, was the second to claim publicly that he was the fifteenth reincarnation of the Buddha. The British Prime Minister and both Archbishops of Canterbury were among the first, second and third to send in their congratulations.

The Tibetan expatriate community has hesitated to give credence to any of the claims, since none of the three men are of Tibetan origin and one of them is under investigation for immoral exploitation of a stockbroker. "The Tibetans seemed pretty helpless on their own, so we decided to step in," said White House religious spokesperson Edgar Flubbocks.

Mr Hubley, who has lived in North Dakota all his life, is said to be "serenely satisfied" at the news. "We certainly hope he'll be able to influence American policy more to the good," said a family friend today. "It's sure gone down well at Leo's gun club, anyhow."

Tibet has been a frequent cause of concern in the West because of human rights violations by the occupying Chinese. The United States has expressed misgivings on several occasions, and will probably do its best to get the new Dalai Lama's backing for any effort to dislodge the occupying forces.

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