The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

News 2020

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The US Attorney General, Ashley Undercroft, has been humanely removed from office after a long illness, the White House revealed today. He had suffered from hydrophobia for many years, and had recently begun foaming uncontrollably and attacking the decanters at meetings. The Commander-in-Chief, a long-time hunting enthusiast, did Mr Undercroft the honour of wielding the shotgun himself.

Mr Undercroft was one of the most pro-active Attorneys General in recent years, and sponsored a host of initiatives, from painting clothes onto nude portraits (for which he received a Turner Prize nomination) to creating the National Patriotism Database, which he hoped would eventually document the degree of volume and enthusiasm behind any rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner taking place in the United States.

His most famous initiative was probably the Temptation and Resistance Act, which legalised what used to be called "entrapment" by offering potential sinners a chance to overcome their baser instincts and refuse to commit crimes.

Mr Undercroft, who was largely illiterate and signed documents with a rubber stamp, also dictated the Revised Reformed Amended Patriot Act of 2016, which gave the FBI the right to arrest and incarcerate anyone suspected of harbouring indecent thoughts. This led to a massive increase in the number of adolescents behind bars, and Mr Undercroft was commended by the White House for nipping the "juvenile crime epidemic" in the bud.

Mr Undercroft would be remembered as a fine Attorney General and a good Christian, said the Commander-in-Chief; but fortunately, with the levels of religious indoctrination and political and sexual repression now prevalent in the United States, he would not be all that difficult to replace.

The Commander-in-Chief announced Mr Undercroft's departure personally to the White House press corps. He spoke with obvious emotion, looking down frequently at the Attorney General's body slung neatly head-down across the podium.

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