The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

News 2020

Balanced news from right on the fence

The British cricket team may condescend to play against Australia this year despite nearly 250 years of human rights abuses by the Australian government, revealed England captain Plunger Whitebait today.

Controversy initially erupted when British journalists drew attention to Australia's long history of human rights violations, which began in the eighteenth century when the British government started transporting convicts to Botany Bay.

Under the harsh laws of the time, people could be sentenced to transportation for minor offences such as petty theft, which under present laws would merit nothing worse than a lifetime in prison under the "three strikes" rule. Many such innocent convicts rapidly fell prey to the predations of predatory Aboriginal tribesmen who, even at that early stage of the continent's development, the Australian government appeared powerless to control.

Since then, the Aborigines' inability to understand due legal process with regard to land rights, and their inexplicable susceptibility to alcoholism, have proved to be considerable liabilities in securing whatever rights the Australian government considers it expedient to grant them subject to the contingencies of whatever circumstances may pertain at any given time.

Mr Whitebait's comments were welcomed as a "conciliatory gesture" by the Australian Sporting Society. The British Minister of Sport, Lionel Bowling-Boddington MP, said he hoped the England tour of Australia could now go ahead in a manner "unpolluted by ancient history".

Mr Bowling-Boddington said he had received "very considerable assurances" that the Australian habit of scoring more runs than the England team would be "kept within very reasonable limits" for the duration of the tour.

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