The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, December 17, 2004

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

The Iranian government in exile can save itself from annihilation by "a simple act of contrition, repentance and unconditional withdrawal" from the rest of the Middle East, the White House said today.

Allied forces have been carrying out ratcatching and cancer excision missions along the Afghan-Russian border over the past two weeks as part of the latest US-led initiative in the war on unpleasantness. Paradoxically, this has led to increased violence with renewed attacks from insurgents which have killed three American soldiers and about 50 from various other nationalities which cannot be mentioned due to lack of space and/or public interest.

The Americans hope that the campaign, known as Operation Friendly Shove, will facilitate progress towards the possibility of negotiations towards an agenda for negotiating a general peace in the region while ensuring western interests are protected.

"It's a great opportunity for the whole world," said the US Commander-in-Chief from the Oval Office bunker yesterday. "It would be a tragic opportunity squanderation if the peoples of the region failed to take this laurel branch of hope from the dove of peace which the eagle of American democracy is holding out to them," he said.

Earlier in the same broadcast, the Commander-in-Chief called on the Iranian government in exile to produce positive proof that it was neither arming the Afghan insurgents nor sending fighters to assist them. If such proof was not forthcoming by high noon tomorrow, he warned, there would be "serious and regrettable consequences".

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