The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

Growing customer immunity to Christmas consumer incentivisations could result in economic problems within a few years, the Conspiracy of Private Interests warned today.

Nigel Feasting-Piranha, the chairman of the CPI, informed assembled corporate VIPs and planners that consumer Christmas apathy could soon reach an all-time high if measures are not taken quickly.

The CPI welcomed the Government's Seasonal Goodwill Act, which permits the imposition of a 22-hour working day on shop, superstore and mall staff during the December rush and the January sales, but questioned the Government's prudence in limiting business freedom of action for the remaining ten months of each year.

According to a speech by Yancey Knight-Crawler, the vice-controller of the world's second largest food conglomerate, Additives Inc., restrictive legal impositions on business liberty may result in "corporate emigration" to more business-friendly shores.

Trade and Industry secretary Aubrey Crynge said that the Government would give consideration to any responsible measures the CPI cared to suggest, and that the Government hoped to educate members of the public more effectively in future as to their spending responsibilities.

Despite the Christmas season starting earlier each year so as to provide a longer lead-in time for slower customers, it was clear that the British public was still not responsible enough to spend the amounts necessary to keep the economy afloat, Mr Feasting-Piranha said.

"Christmas, as everyone knows, is the point of corporate orgasm in the great annual cycle of economic interpenetration," he concluded. "But British industry cannot be expected to erect the towering peaks of economic fertility if consumers act like bitches and refuse to put out when it's time."

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