The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, January 03, 2005

News 2020

Putting the wind up the first draft of history

Religious leaders have been quick to react to the earthquake in south-east Asia, in which more than 100 Britons are thought to have died. Christian leaders all over the world have ordered their flocks to feel compassion for the victims so as to make themselves more worthy of Heaven.

Given present levels of church membership, it is statistically probable that approximately 1.87 of British casualties were Anglicans, so both the Archbishops of Canterbury responded to the disaster with parallel columns of equivalent length in yesterday's Middle England on Sunday.

The Reverend Jebediah Icke, of the Evangelical wing, pointed out that almost none of those who died in the earthquake were Christians, and that approximately 98.13 of the Britons who died were probably not Anglicans. "The conclusion should be obvious," he concluded.

Dr Lionel Marmaduke Lilliwhyte, of the Liberal wing, wrote that it was perfectly understandable for some people to question their faith during times of crisis, particularly if they or their loved ones were being crushed by falling buildings, but that at the same time it was precisely at times of crisis that the need for faith was greatest, as without faith the building might feel even heavier.

Membership in the Anglican church is at its lowest since records began, and despite Dr Lilliwhyte's efforts, membership within the church is moving steadily from the Liberal wing towards the Evangelical.

Asked to comment on the Archbishops' words, the Prime Minister said that it was the duty of all Christians to help their less fortunate brethren, and that only NuLibLab policies could enable them to do so efficiently, effectively and without undue fear of excessive corporate taxation or imminent terrorist attack.

In the United States, the Commander-in-Chief, who is Pastor and Steward of the Homeland Flock for the duration of the state of emergency which has been in force since the terrorist attack of 11 September 2001 when America was attacked by terrorists, led an interactive television prayer meeting in which ordinary viewers could phone in or text their "Amen" to send spiritual comfort to earthquake victims.

The Prime Minister and the Commander-in-Chief later issued a joint statement thanking God for his infinite mercy and reminding all British and American Muslims that, however inconvenient they might find the curfews, random searches and barbed wire enclosures, they were still lucky to live in countries where thought is free.

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