The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

News 2020

Futures traders wishing to profit unfairly from the revelations contained herein are invited to apply to the reporter with appropriate incentives

A "truly evil young man" has been sentenced to life imprisonment in a high security correctional facility for what the presiding judge referred to as a "truly evil" crime.

The young man, who cannot be named because the owners of the facility, Incarceration and Moral Reclamation International, Inc., hold the copyright as from the moment of sentencing, murdered his girlfriend two years ago in what Mr Justice Wyndpype referred to as a "truly evil" fashion. They were both 15 at the time.

"You are a genuinely wicked young man who has been found guilty of a truly evil crime," said the judge. "Had you been over twenty-one at the time you committed the murder, it might have been understandable, but society cannot afford to tolerate teenage murderers any more than it can afford to give moral sanction to teenage mothers."

The judge went on to comment that "the answer to evil young men such as yourself is to bring back National Service," which drew applause from the Press gallery.

Relatives of the victim, who cannot be named because her parents hold all the rights to her story as from the discovery of the body, said they were "delighted" at the verdict.

"He is certainly an evil young man and she was an angel on earth and our only regret is that he can't be strung up by the scrotum and left to dangle from a lamp-post till he rots," said the family's lawyer, Peregrine ffoetid-Pocksyle QC.

Mr Justice Wyndpype spoke for five hours before being carried out in a basket for a well-earned rest. He is expected to be back on duty by tomorrow.

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