The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

News 2020

We regret that we cannot be held responsible if the future turns out differently due to inaccuracies in the present

The Prime Minister today gave a barnstorming speech defying the charge that his Government is simply "Thatcherism lite".

Addressing a gathering of NuLabLib colleagues and possible Conservative defectors in the Bill Gates Conference Palace at Uttoxeter, the Prime Minister defended his record as "building on the legacy of Lord Blair of Belmarsh."

Lord Blair, who was not present at the conference, said he was "touched" at the party's confidence in him, and said he would always be ready to resume the burden of office should the mantle descend upon him.

The Prime Minister set out what he described as NuLabLib's "remarkable achievements", made all the more remarkable by the fact that they took place against a background of conflict and terrorism. "What many people do not realise, because they are so well protected thanks to our identity-card policy and other anti-terror measures, is that there is actually a war on," he said.

"This war has been going on for many years - ever since America was ruthlessly attacked by terrorists in a ruthless terrorist attack - and may continue for many years more," he went on. "But the fact that most of the public is unaware of it for much of the time, except when journalistically incentivised to lynch a Muslim or two, is a tribute to our preventive measures."

The Prime Minister gave a list of Lord Blair's achievements, including the introduction of university fees, the pioneer efficientiation of the Healthy Britain Business Initiative (then known as the National Health Service), the streamlining of the post office and civil service, and the "vigorous prosecution", with American help, of the war on terror.

The achievements of Lord Blair were the foundation of the present Government's achievements, the Prime Minister said. The introduction of bank-loaned education vouchers, and the Protective Insurance Initiative, whereby the cumbersome National Insurance scheme was streamlined and then co-opted to pay for anti-terror measures, were only a small sample of the Government's remarkable record, he said.

"The Thatcher government left power in 1997, before the horrific terrorist attack on America, yet it would never have dared to push through reforms with our degree of dynamism and entrepreneurial testosterone," the Prime Minister concluded.

"If they had introduced our security measures, they would have been accused of bringing about a racist police state. If they had introduced our public health measures, they would have been accused of selling off the health service. And if they had introduced our education measures, they would have been in power a lot longer than they were."

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