The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

News 2020

Balanced news from right on the fence

Violence flared in Mecca yesterday as militant Muslims attacked the local branch of Macdonald's, throwing stones through windows and breaking several before the franchise holders managed to raise the shields.

Although Macdonald's is popular with local democratising forces, the restaurant has failed to gain much headway in attracting custom either from the natives of Mecca or from the millions of Islamic pilgrims who arrive in the city every year.

Muslims believe it incumbent on them to visit Mecca at least once in their lives and worship a black stone covered with a cloth. According to many reputable religious figures in Britain and America, this is an error on their part.

The black stone is the last survivor in a collection of over 300 sacred stones, which was attacked and destroyed in the seventh century in an early act of Muslim terrorism.

Some Muslims believe that Macdonald's has no place in the city, and a fanatical minority have made several attempts to destroy the restaurant or threaten its owners.

"Perhaps we shouldn't have set up the place quite so close to this shrine thing of theirs," said general manager Baldwin Mortimer. "A lot of them seem to think there's pork or something in our burgers, which shows you they're a little behind the times around here."

But despite his attitude of neighbourly understanding, Mr Mortimer is indignant at the violence. "We're just a restaurant, for Christ's sake," he said. "It's ironic that these are Muslims - the very people who say they don't have freedom in America, yet they come over here and deny Americans the freedom to provide them with food."

As a result of the violence, the Mecca branch of Macdonald's has had to become one of the best defended restaurants in the world, with inch-thick metal shielding fitted to every vulnerable spot. The staff are armed and trained by the US Army, and are ready to deploy their state-of-the-art weapons at a moment's notice. Although a number of terrorists have been shot over the years, the restaurant has suffered no unscheduled staff losses.

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