The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, February 18, 2005

News 2020

Easily digestible facts for the modern news consumer

The US government has succeeded in its attempt to trademark the terms democracy and freedom and democracy. The word freedom remains in the public domain as long as it is used alone and not in conjunction with the words and democracy.

The decision by the Lord's Own Patent Authority in Washington DC to grant the US government's application for trademark rights to the terms means that the terms democracy and freedom and democracy can now be used only under a franchise granted by the US government.

Any other country on the face of the earth, or any other power on any planet or in any dimension of the universe of space, time and spirit, known or unknown, must now apply to the United States Federal Trademark Bureau for permission to call itself a democracy.

Use of the terms in the media and in everyday conversation remains unrestricted until the US patent authority pronounces on the White House's secondary appeal relating to copyright of the words themselves, as opposed to their usage as trademarks. This verdict is expected within a few months.

Honduras, Guatemala, Israel, Colombia, Uzbekistan and the Democratic Republic of Baghdad have all been granted exemption from liability under US law, and will therefore be able to go on calling themselves democracies without risk of legal action.

The Prime Minister was the first to congratulate the US government on its victory. "This is a great day for freedom, a great day for democracy," the Prime Minister said. "The British government's franchise application is, of course, being lodged with the appropriate department in Washington as I speak."

As a loyal friend and ally of the United States, Britain's application could be fast-tracked and might take as little as five years to process, the Prime Minister said. Until that time, Britain would continue to refer to itself as a democracy "because that is what we are," and would pay the necessary fines without demur.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, agreed with the Prime Minister that today was a "great day for liberty and universal suffrage", but criticised the government for "using taxpayers' money to reimburse the Americans for its own careless talk." An immediate referendum should be held on whether Britain should continue calling itself a democracy whatever the expense, or find an alternative term such as "parliamentary representocracy" for the duration of the application's fast-tracking, Mr Johnson said.

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