The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

News 2020

New broom to combat festering sick-notes

The newly appointed Secretary for Human Resource Auto-Repair Encouragement, Lord Cupid, has announced new measures to combat the growing sick-note culture which he said was "festering at the heart of British society".

As from next January, illness will be officially abolished as a reasonable excuse for absenteeism, except in certain special cases such as duodenal ulcers, obesity or skiing-related trauma.

"Obviously this will decrease pressure on the health industry as it will free GPs from the necessity of filling out unnecessary documents," said Lord Cupid today.

"Therefore these measures will not only incentivise workplace harmonisation and upgrade productivity levels," Lord Cupid continued. "They will also allow doctors that much more time to manage their budgets and ensure that health industry overstretch continues to emerge as a diminishing factor."

More than 38 billion pounds a year are lost annually in profits alone owing to employees taking days off and claiming illness as an excuse, according to the latest figures.

The figure has been growing steadily since the Government began enabling flexibilitisation of working conditions. The relaxations in the so-called "Health and Safety" laws were intended to combat excessive outsourcing and protect jobs in Britain.

However, activists claim that the number of industrial accidents has reached "unacceptable levels". Ironically, a more managed economy could have prevented many acts of God and disincreased the rate of employee detrimentation, they claim.

"Despite the introduction of compulsory private health care over a decade ago, thousands of employees are still taking days off work and claiming ill health," said industrial spokesperson Nigel Feasting-Piranha today.

"The Government's action on this matter is a sensible start," Mr Feasting-Piranha said. But he warned, "Left unchecked for a sufficient period, this trend for hypochondria-driven employee antimotivation could potentially commence disincentivising fiscal throughput."

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