The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

News 2020

Pensioners not what they used to be

The Minister for Obsolete Human Resources, Phesten Mitts, was booed and shouted down by angry elderpersons today as he tried to give a speech.

The minister had been invited to speak by the National Pensioners Convention, but was unable to finish his interpretation of the statistics as hundreds of senior citizens whistled, shouted, and made threatening gestures with mobility aids.

Mr Mitts attempted to calm the volatile audience, saying that the Government was all about reintroducing respect to society and that the seniority-enhanced should sympathise with this aim.

The pensioners are believed to have been irritated by Government figures showing that one in three pensioners live below the poverty line. They interpreted this as meaning that there had been "no improvement" since the NuLabLib Coalition came to power nearly a decade ago, when one in three pensioners was living below the poverty line.

Mr Mitts said that this interpretation of the figures was "perhaps unduly negative". He said that the Government faced the difficult problem of an ageing population and falling birth rates, while pensioners faced only the prospect of spending a relatively short portion of their lives on a relatively low income.

"The Government is working to ensure that this period becomes ever shorter in the forseeable future," Mr Mitts continued before a hail of false teeth brought his speech to an unscheduled end.

The minister later expressed his regret that "people old enough to know better, people whose children are being blown up for democracy all over the world even as we speak" could not take a more responsible attitude.

"There was a time in this country when most of the pensioners had been through two world wars, but were still a good deal more meek than that lot," Mr Mitts continued.

However, the minister added that the Government was "encouraged" by recent reports that nearly two thirds of Britain's pensioners do not feel valued by society. "It seems that the sensible majority still has a firm grip on the reality of the situation," he said.

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