The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

News 2020

Mission Accomplishable

The US Commander-in-Chief has requested Americans to "continue in their faith" that the Allies' mission to democratise and civilise the Middle East retains accomplishability.

Speaking from the Oval Bunker, the Commander-in-Chief yesterday gave a television address in which he said, "The light of the sabre of liberty is visible at the end of the tunnel of insurgentification, if only we can grasp the nettle of conflict with the eyes of faith."

His speech comes as the spiral of violence in the Middle East continues to sink into the quagmire of a vicious circle. Half a dozen female Marines were killed on Monday in an attack by a suicide bomber in "retaliation" for the US-led Operation Laughing Pesticide two weeks ago.

Experts believe that the recent wave of female casualties may show that a new and sinister strain of misogyny is entering the Islamist terrorists' conception of their holy war.

"A society that is capable of making its women cover their faces in public is capable of anything," said Russell Grabby of the England, My England party. "In civilised countries we arrest people who hide behind hoods."

The Commander-in-Chief said that the Allies would take all possible accomplishability enhancement measures with regard to freedom.

The British Government welcomed the Commander-in-Chief's speech. The Foreign Secretary said it was "brilliant," and the Minister of Peace "statesmanlike".

The Prime Minister displayed his usual talent for uniting disparate voices within his Cabinet by calling the Commander-in-Chief's speech "brilliant and statesmanlike" later in the afternoon.

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