The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, July 22, 2005

News 2020

London Underground announces new safety measures

London Fast&Lo, the private company contracted to run the London Underground service, has announced that it will be cutting the length of trains by one carriage, and possibly two during rush hour.

"This is a normal and natural safety measure which we have undertaken after careful consideration," said Fast&Lo executive Drago DeLay.

"Although some of the customer accommodation receptacles on the Underground were built as recently as 1972 or 1996, many of them are wearing out and will have to be taken out of service," Mr DeLay continued.

The Department of Transport welcomed the announcement and praised Fast&Lo's "timely display of fiscal prudence and corporate ethicalism" in not replacing the carriages.

Asked whether shorter trains would mean a more frequent service, Mr DeLay said that London Fast&Lo would continue to service the whole city in the manner London deserved.

"Some increase in customer proximity is inevitable, particularly during the rush hour," he said. "This is why we are removing more cars during the rush hour, so that customer proximity can be increased to the optimum level possible."

The company would consider reinstating some of the carriages if the number of crushing injuries rose above the maximum specified in Government guidelines, assuming the Department of Transport did not liberalise the guidelines first, Mr DeLay said.

The opportunity for enhanced customer proximity would be a "major blow in the war against terror", he continued. Increased consumer density in the accommodation receptacles would help minimise damage by confining blast effects within a relatively small area, he said.

"It takes more force than you might think to blow a chunk of metal right through a human body, and these bombs they use are quite primitive really," Mr DeLay concluded.

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