The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Preaching at the Deserted

When they come to teach creationism alongside the theory of evolution, biology classes won't be the only ones to benefit. As hurricanes and other symptoms of climate change grow more and more popular, and as equal time for the religious is demanded with ever greater rigour, the teaching of other "scientific" subjects must surely adapt to demand.

A start has been made in New Orleans, it seems. Faith-based organisations are already engaged in fruitful debate as to whom God may have been punishing - abortionists, the US government for not being right-wing enough, SUV drivers or "all Americans for going to war in Iraq". Since most of the victims of Katrina are sons of Ham - the social group which also comprises a goodly portion of the US infantry - it certainly seems convenient to assume that Iraq had something to do with it. No true American preacher is going to ask the car-owning classes to repent their SUVs, after all.

A Baptist chaplain from Dallas, Texas does not agree that the hurricane was God's retribution. "God did not cause this; he allowed it to happen." Seemingly God is not vengeful so much as criminally negligent; perhaps he and George W Bush really are on the same side. Many victims have asked the Baptist chaplain why God did it. He tells them "God is with them today"; a great comfort, no doubt. The mere trappings of earthly existence - home, job, the odd friend or relative - are clearly a cheap price to pay for the personal company of a deity.

Faith-based vultures are "flocking" to the disaster area, generously unmindful that the chance of immediate transport to Heaven has at last begun to recede. The less spiritually oriented are bringing water and mobile phones to pander to the base earthly needs of the thousands of potential converts; others, who have advanced beyond mere utilitarianism, "ponder the religious significance of Katrina".

Three or four hundred Scientologists have also moved in and "plan to stay for weeks". Apparently the Scientologists have "mounted similar operations" after 11 September 2001, after the tsunami in Sri Lanka, and in Florida after last year's hurricane. They have also been in Israel and Africa, which no doubt accounts for the way Scientology has caught on in both locations.

"There's no religious aspect towards helping someone," a Scientologist said, while wearing "the distinctive Church of Scientology minister T-shirt" to blaze his religious wares at his more credulous beneficiaries. Religion "means bringing people together," not helping them. Religion, as we know, has two basic ways of bringing people together. It brings them together in unquestioning faith, frequently under duress; or else it brings them together head to head, often with a very loud bang. It is not clear which of these alternatives the Scientologists have in mind; if God's own cholera doesn't get them all first, perhaps we shall find out.

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