The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tory Differences

The Conservative party conference has one cardinal advantage over the Labour party conference: I have never been ignored in a Big Conversation with William Hague, Iain Duncan Smith, Michael Howard or any of the present gathering of thugs, cranks and con men, so none of them have sent me any emails. It is most refreshing when politicians are so busy squabbling with each other that they have no time to bother with the electorate, and I believe this is a trend to be encouraged.

Occupied as I am with such matters as earning a living, watching DVDs and occasionally cutting my fingernails, I have not followed the conference in any great detail; but I have gathered one or two indications as to the state of Her Majesty's Opposition, which I present herewith for the delectation of the curious.

After three successive defeats - the last at the grubby hands of a New Labour party which gained the votes of a whopping thirty-seven per cent of the electorate - the Conservatives are all agreed that they would like to win an election, preferably the next one. They are all agreed that in order to do this, they will have to change from a party that loses elections to a party that wins them. They are not agreed on what changes will have to take place in order to accomplish this, but some of them seem to think it's about time to get on with it.

They are agreed that the British public must be made to understand what the Conservative party stands for, and why it is better fitted for government than Labour. They are agreed that the Conservative party will be better fitted for government when the Conservative party knows what the Conservative party stands for. To this end, they are going to elect a new leader. Some of the candidates are even distinguishable from one another, if not from New Labour:

Kenneth Clarke, an elderly man in a hurry. In favour of war, privatisation and, presumably, greater civil liberties for tobacco companies.

David Cameron, a fresh-faced young thing who yesterday invited his party colleagues on "a wonderful journey". Since many of his party colleagues are in their second or third childhood, this Disney touch may just turn the trick for him. Polly Toynbee, whose taste in these matters is no doubt impeccable, finds him genuinely likeable.

Malcolm Rifkind, formerly a nonentity in the Thatcher government, who did not vote in favour of the war in Iraq because he lost his seat in Parliament the election before. In favour of privatisation and, probably, future wars of a more opportune character than the present one.

David Davis, not fresh faced or young and hence not to be confused with David Cameron. In favour of war, privatisation, Britishness and hanging, which may just turn the trick for him.

Liam Fox, in favour of war, privatisation and muscular Christianity for men.

Well, gosh. I wonder who they'll choose.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home