Police Brutality

The police have expressed some annoyance at the Minister of Domestic Abuses for treating them like mere public sector workers. Although Agent Smith was spared the treatment given to Patsy Hackitt, the Nurses' Friend, a couple of years ago, she still had to sit with her New New Labour grin of interpersonal manageriality fraying like a psoriatic turkey's neck while the chair of the Police Federation taunted her about her drug-ridden past. "Your recent crimes have been more for the serious fraud office than the drug squad," Jan Berry wisecracked heartlessly, deliberately calling attention to Agent Smith's non-Saudi ancestry. More pertinently, Agent Smith was asked: "How was it that the Government found £2.7bn to dig itself out of a tax hole in advance of a by-election but couldn't find £30m to honour our pay deal?" The answer, apparently, was that Agent Smith took the decision to impose a pay cut on the police "only after a lot of thought - after considering the full facts of the case, the need to keep mortgages and the cost of living under control". Obviously, provided the cost of living is kept under control, the problems people have in meeting it are hardly worth bothering about. Another crucial factor was the need "to ensure that you continued to have your colleagues working alongside you", it being easier to pay a mortgage when there are lots of people around you who can't pay theirs either.

In compensation, Agent Smith promised new toys (handheld computers and electric stun guns) and said that the Government "would scrap stop and account forms, reduce data it collected by a third, and simplify custody, bail and premises entry procedures". She did not promise a bank holiday commemorating the forces of law and order, but doubtless it's only a matter of time.